


Cure

by gala_apples



Category: X-Men (Movies)
Genre: Anxiety Disorder, Gen, Panic Attack, Self Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-04-02
Updated: 2012-04-02
Packaged: 2017-11-02 22:21:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 996
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/373975
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gala_apples/pseuds/gala_apples
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>John doesn't take losing his lighter very well.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Cure

The first time John gets his lighter taken away, he pukes all over his desk. The screams of 'gross!' and 'raunchy!' ring out in the classroom, and Jean calmly asks Piotr to finish explaining the water cycle. She helps him make his way through the floors of the basement to the infirmary. A few quick tests and he's sent to his room. There is nothing majorly wrong with him, he has to have a bug. That doesn't sound right to John. Stomach flus come on over a period of hours, slowly leading up to vomit. This is an immediate nausea.

Still, there are very few students that would choose to go back to class instead of relaxing in their room. John is not one of the few, and so he spends the rest of the day sleeping, his brain nagging him about getting the lighter back. His dreams are anxious, and he wakes up feeling more exhausted then before napping.

The second time John gets his lighter taken away, it's by an impatient Cyclops. He explains the danger of having flame near all the gases and combustibles that were present in a garage. John explains that he won't flick open the lighter, he'll just have it in his pocket. Cyclops responds that there are no powers in the classrooms, and he'll get it back at the end of class. John is reluctant, and Cyclops tells him that he'd put it in his pocket, and John can ask for it the second class was over, but they are on a schedule, and it's time for class to start. The other six students taking the class are beginning to glare.

With everything in his body screaming at him not to, he hands over the lighter. He swallows hard as it goes into the trouser pocket of Cyclops pants. And that's when the panic begins. His heart and lungs become encased in steel, every breath is shallow and difficult. His thoughts start off with a 'I don't like this', transformed into a 'I really don't like this' into a 'Stop it, I don't like this'. They start to spiral and trip over themselves. 'I don't like this I don't like thisIdontlikethisIdontlikethisIdontlikethis stopitstopitstopitstopit.' He needs to get air, he can't breathe. He starts breathing faster, to get more air into the lungs that refuse to fill more than a little bit. Breathing faster doesn't help, but he can't stop, he can only breath as fast as possible so he won't faint, as his brain screams 'STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT!'

His arms automatically curl around his chest. He needs to protect himself, he doesn't know from what. There's something that he must protect himself from, and covering vital areas is important. He can't remember when he closed his eyes, just that it seems to provide some sort of safety in this madness that is his body-brain running in circles.

"You okay?" It's Sam asking, a nice older brother that has a second nature of noticing problems.

He wants to say no, but his lungs aren't making very much air. There's so little available that he has a choice. He can talk and pass out, or stay conscious and let the air be used for what it's needed. His brain is shouting 'evacuation' and all systems except emergency are shut down. John says nothing, but the spiral of 'stop it stop it' adds a 'help helphelphelphelp'.

Sam takes the silence for rudeness, or arrogance, or something John doesn't care about. All he cares about is that no one is helping him, and he's getting a bit dizzy.

Later in the class, Cyclops asks for John and Jubilee to help him set up a recognition activity, matching wrenches to names. It takes all John's strength to shake his head no. The small movement is another scream for help, but no one notices. Cyclops rolls his eyes, and asks Sam to gather the tools. John thinks he hates them a bit, for not noticing.

At the end of the class, Cyclops gives him his lighter back; with an admonishment that he is clearly having a bad day, but that doesn't mean he can disrespect people. John finds it easier to nod this time, his lighter somehow melting the iron bars across his lungs.

The third time John's lighter is taken away, he scratches his arms. The iron bars are forming again, worse this time. This time across his entire body. He's locked into position in the desk, and the bars have to go away. He's sure that will solve everything, if the bars can just go away. There's a new kid in Storm's classroom. None of the students know what her power is yet; she only came last night after dinner. He's paranoid, thinking maybe it's her fucking with him. He's quickly loosing his mind, hating her for this. He wants to destroy her. 

The bars are constructing themselves down his arms, like frost on a bad day of Bobby's. Anyone could rub the frost off, but John thinks it is going to take more then rubbing to get the bars off. Pulling up his sleeve, he drags his nails down his arms. Where the pink lines are forming, the bars seem to hesitate before continuing construction. He has found a cure.

The every-time-since John's lighter is taken away, he scratches his arms. The change of his skin from flesh to white lines to pink lines to beautiful bloody red lines is intoxicating. He makes sure to wear long sleeved shirts, as most people won't understand. They'll think it's self-destructive. They're wrong though. What's self-destructive is being in the classes that are full of hate for him. What he's doing is the only way to get through class.

He's not surprised when Bobby gives him a long sleeved shirt at the Drakes. People have to know, they just don't care. That's the only lesson the classroom can teach: that no one cares.


End file.
